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What is wrong with me ???

My beloved red setter Amber was put to sleep 10 days ago after having her for 14 years. She was my best friend, my bed mate, the apple in my eye, my reason to get up every morning. She developed heart failure, became incontinent and arthritis was getting worse, she appeared in pain and sad, my poor girl was put to sleep in my arms 7pm 23.1.2012 i was absolutly devastated. Since she was put to sleep i have only been able to cry a little bit now and then. i made her a beautiful garden, sit at her grave everyday and wear her dog tag on a necklace where it will always be close to my heart. I miss her so much but feel im in denial or something still, or in shock, i know deep down she is gone but i cant cry or break down. we were inseparatable for 14 yrs, she was my life, my baby girl, what the hell is wrong with me? why arent i a mess like my fam and breaking down all the time? i have never really been one to open up much but i feel so low, selfish and that im heartless for the way i seem to be handling this situation. id give my own life just to hasve one last day with her. Why am i dealing with this in such a bizarre way? The first cploe days after her death, all i done was olay in bed,didnt wna see or talk to peole, had no appetite and was prob drinking more alcohol than i should be etc but now i dnt know how to describe how i feel other than in shock and extremely numb, i lost the most important thing in my life. i useto have many fears in life but to lose my girl was my biggest fear, now she is gone, i fear nothing, i have nothing. what is wrong wit me??? i hate feeling like this

  • 04122008536_thumb
    Author Sad_ash Member since Jan 24, 2012

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    • Sad_ash
      Sad_ash     Posted on Feb 08, 2012

      HI everyone,

      Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my question, all ur answers have eally meant alot. it has now been 16 days since my baby girl was put to sleep in my arms. There is not a day that goes by that i do not think of her. for some reason i am still not crying everyday but am so much more emotional, sad and getting very depressed where i do not want to get out of bed, doing small everyday tasks is such a effort. i am very short tempered and moody and found the smallest tyhings set me off then i just hysterical and lose the plot6. I am still having a drink everyday as a way to block and tune out from reality. i cant sleep at nite as my girl slept wit me everyn9itefor 14 yrs now she is gone. i cant sleep unless i take several sleeping tablets that knock me out. i miss my girl so bloody mu7ch. i wish i could give my own life away just to have her back for just 1 day. or better yet i wish it was me that passed not my innocent beautiful baby girl, at the point now where i no longer cae if i dnt wake up in the morning and kinda wish i wouldnt, i am too hurt and sad. thanx all for ur support threw this aweful time much adored xo

    • tellgio
      tellgio     Posted on Feb 07, 2012

      As Shellyd says, grief is a very personal matter and how we grieve varies from person to person. Grief has many stages, and you will eventually experience them all, even the one where you are angry at the one who has passed. For some, it requires a catalyst like looking through the photo album, or seeing a movie about a dog that looked like yours, and it will be like a dam burst. For others, the major reactions are delayed for a time. The main thing is, you accept your loss and don't deny it has happened. Allow those around you to grieve in their way and support them as well as you can through it. And know that if you ever need to 'talk' or simply vent to people who understand, this is definitely a great place to start. Peace to you and yours at this time. Healing to your Spirit as it recovers from such a close loss.

    • shellyd
      shellyd     Posted on Feb 06, 2012

      There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are experiencing grief - your own personal version of it. Dont be unkind to yourself and compare yourself with others. Remember, grief comes in many shapes and forms and has its own timeline. There is no right and wrong way to grieve the loss of your little girl Amber. Only you know the relationship you had with her and that bond is very special and personal. You said yourself, you are numb and in shock. The tears will come to you when it is time. In the meantime, be kind to yourself, surround yourself with little rituals and memories that help you feel some kind of comfort. Grief is a process - let it develop and take each step as it comes. Peace and light to you.... Shell 

    • LisaS
      LisaS     Posted on Feb 04, 2012

      I don't thnk there is anythng wrong with you. You are grieving the loss of your loved one. There is a very limited number of other humans who are lucky enough to ever feel the level of bond some of us do with a cherished pet. Some don't feel that way with any other soul. You knew unconditional love, and that is the most amazing feeling in the world. Please allow yourself to go through this without questioning your feelings. Shock and numbness are a very real step, and I think it is the way our minds help cushion us from feeling the full impact of a great loss, until we can adjust to the pain, without it crippling us. The tears will come when you are ready.

       

      I hope this helps. You are not alone. 

      Big hugs...

      Lisa

    • belindaj
      belindaj     Posted on Feb 03, 2012

      I have had the exact opposite reaction and haven't stopped crying for a little over 2 weeks now since having my beautiful girl Kimba put to sleep. I do understand however the denial part went through that, drinking to make you feel numb as it hurts so much and wanting to cut yourself off from others. The next person who says 'well she was an old cat' will probably get slapped. Yes you know they like humans get old and do have to leave us at some point but the pain emotional pain is no less. Perhaps your just trying to hold it all together and something (some times its something small will happen and the emotions will come out). I know I am at that stage now. Trying to keep it together but when something or someone upsets me it all comes pouring out all over again. I wish you well its the toughest decision I've had to make and I thought I'd already been through a lot until this one. Sorry I don't have more answers.

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